Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
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Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
Phones down.
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.