Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
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HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-
Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
No matter what he’s talking about, bring the conversation back to your cat.
“I love to travel.”
“My cat’s an explorer.”
Top 3 invisible things:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
jobs are for girls who can’t sell their bath water
I only treason on days ending in y