Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
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You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no