Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?

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Sailors have the reputation, but nobody cusses like a mom who just found out school is closed.


[Jumps into taxi]
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]


I’m not positive,

but I think when you say you’re “over” something,



Playing guess the animal with 4yo.
4: it looks like a tiger.
Me: a lion?
4: no.
Me: leopard?
4: no.
Me: i give up
4: it’s a tiger


It must be pretty inconvenient when you meet someone from a dating site and you’re already married to them.


In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.


Her: I like you.
Me: I’m a complete psycho, none of this is an act. Godspeed.


You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.


Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.

There were no tacos in there. Please send help.