Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
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Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.