@mysteryteacher

Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?

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@kellysdf

Sailors have the reputation, but nobody cusses like a mom who just found out school is closed.

@Fred_Delicious

[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]

@GoldenSpirals

I’m not positive,

but I think when you say you’re “over” something,

YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.

@skin_and_i

Playing guess the animal with 4yo.
4: it looks like a tiger.
Me: a lion?
4: no.
Me: leopard?
4: no.
Me: i give up
4: it’s a tiger

@LuvPug

It must be pretty inconvenient when you meet someone from a dating site and you’re already married to them.

@smint

In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.

@_steamy_mac

Her: I like you.
Me: I’m a complete psycho, none of this is an act. Godspeed.

@SarcasticAlly12

You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.

@Staggfilms

Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.

There were no tacos in there. Please send help.