Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
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Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.