really nice when the youtube home workout guy with 17 abs is like “ur doing great” like thanks buddy but i am throwing up everywhere

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“Farm to fork”, but it’s just me taking you to a corn maze to bang.


Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.


“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.


“I am the ghost of Christmas Future Perfect Subjunctive: I will show you what would have happened were you not to have changed your ways!”


BOB THE BEER DROPPER: I make the worst decisions
ME: hold my beer


[Phone rings]
Babysitter: Hello?
Dude: Dont. Go. Upstairs.
Babysitter: Wha.. What’s upstairs?


Did you know?

Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.

[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]

I think salmon have the right idea.


Good day to everyone except people that pronounce wolves as “wolfs”.


Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.