@thombodytolove

really nice when the youtube home workout guy with 17 abs is like “ur doing great” like thanks buddy but i am throwing up everywhere

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@fattydaddy02

“Farm to fork”, but it’s just me taking you to a corn maze to bang.

@HousewifeOfHell

Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.

@EndhooS

“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.

@ianduhig

“I am the ghost of Christmas Future Perfect Subjunctive: I will show you what would have happened were you not to have changed your ways!”

@DanMentos

BOB THE BEER DROPPER: I make the worst decisions
ME: hold my beer

@Sickayduh

[Phone rings]
Babysitter: Hello?
Dude: Dont. Go. Upstairs.
Babysitter: Wha.. What’s upstairs?
Dude: NOT MUCH, STAIRS, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU

@HomeWithPeanut

Did you know?

Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.

[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]

I think salmon have the right idea.

@bluestmoon_

Good day to everyone except people that pronounce wolves as “wolfs”.

@LMLMadness

Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.