Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
You Might Also Like
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*