This meeting could have been a cake
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her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine