Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
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[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down