Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
You Might Also Like
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
real
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
bad
worse
worst
worchester
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant