Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
You Might Also Like
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
Food gives you energy to nap more.
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS