I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
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Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
me: i always get so hungry when i’m high, want some taco bell?
driving test instructor: no
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
A horror movie with all black people lmao
“Ayo what’s going down in ya basement?”
“That ain’t my business”
“I feel ya”
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”