@LizerReal

Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.

Me: ok cool.

~6 mos later~

Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?

Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.

Ghost: [quietly sobs]

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@SmartassChef

I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.

@Playing_Dad

Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves

@jimmytorosian

A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.

@daemonic3

me: i always get so hungry when i’m high, want some taco bell?

driving test instructor: no

@AnUglyNigga

A horror movie with all black people lmao

“Ayo what’s going down in ya basement?”

“That ain’t my business”

“I feel ya”

*Rolls credits*

@Julescoop

The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.

@Mom_Overboard

Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.