Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
You Might Also Like
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
At least my masseuse has my back.
Buying a well is money well spent.
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
This is my pinned tweet