Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
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Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
what the
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.