Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
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You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.