Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
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I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
Oh yeh? Explain this then
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.