Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
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My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
The government even made aliens boring
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
Big Sex has us all fooled
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)