Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
You Might Also Like
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
Even though my dad is a Trump supporter I let him borrow my car because I’m a good person. I mean, I’m going to report it stolen, but still.
But how come Tarzan didn’t have a beard?
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”