REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch

WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare


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Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*


What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.


I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.


Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.


Even though my dad is a Trump supporter I let him borrow my car because I’m a good person. I mean, I’m going to report it stolen, but still.


Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?

Day Two: Murder


Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.


I had a race with a smart car today.

I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.


Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”