Realtor: This house here comes with a playroom

Wife: Oh, the kids will love that!

Realtor: It’s not that kind of playroom

Husband: Nice

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we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head


Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane


I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.


Like on Amazon or in our house?

[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]


I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.

I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.


[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*


Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.


The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.