Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
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Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn