Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
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me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
E
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.