What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
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In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?