Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
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Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing