@newLettuce

Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones

Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT

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@16bitbulbasaur

me: *getting down on one knee*

my gf: omg i can’t believe it’s finally happening

me: *tightening my velcro strap* what

@johngcaldwell4

Me: *cleans kitchen and does laundry
Wife: looks like someone is getting lucky
Me: 1 hour of uninterrupted Call of Duty?
W: Yes
Me: WOOHOO!

@lecalabara

Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.

@Shanomenonandon

WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically

^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats

@jonnysun

4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history

@Rollinintheseat

Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”

Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”

@liv_thatsme

(My wedding day)

Grandma: You remind me so much of your father

Me: Wow, thanks that means a lot

G: Your father was a disappointment also

@Amusitr0n

[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them

@joanne_gannon

I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life