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@newLettuce: Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE'LL TAKE IT
@Jeffwni: [1st date]
Me: I've got crabs
[back home looking at my fish tank]
"It's all right guys, one day I'll find one who'll like you"
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we'd eat at the Pizza Hut in France
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
@jordan_stratton: Whelp. It's December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
@JohnHilsen: OK it's like sure, I've MURDERED before. Big deal. Sue me. It's not like I'm a MURDERER or anything. I only do it socially.
@CalmTomb: Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us "You will never leave this island."