@newLettuce

Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones

Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT

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@ThugRaccoons

Me: DIALOGUE!!!

Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.

@cloudypianos

“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years

@maxlavergne

TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately

@3sunzzz

What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.

What I heard: You should go shopping.

@ericsshadow

[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*

@Robski_Boy

As I mentally undress you my OCD kicks in and I mentally fold all your clothes.

@notfaizzy

Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.

Cat: *meow*