@newLettuce

Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones

Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT

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@ElgatoEsmio

[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]

[rubs Genie bottle]

“can you hook me up with some wifi?”

@anbrll00

Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.

@karanbirtinna

Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.

I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person

I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix

@DanKCharnley

[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*

@novicefather

I enjoy jogging in the mountains because nature is beautiful and cardiac arrest excites me.

@IamJackBoot

I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.

@UncleDuke1969

MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.

MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.

@Darlainky

Me: Look to my left.

Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?

Me: I don’t like to share.

@rob5373

[Bags packed, leaving the ex]
Ex:”I hope you have a slow and painful death!”
Me:”So now you want me to stay?”

@weinerdog4life

If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.