Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
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“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
As I mentally undress you my OCD kicks in and I mentally fold all your clothes.
Man, just think how crazy Gollum goes on the 5th day of Christmas.
I’m a social vegan. I avoid meet.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the walking.
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.