Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones


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[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]

[rubs Genie bottle]

“can you hook me up with some wifi?”


Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.


Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.

I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person

I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix


[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*


I enjoy jogging in the mountains because nature is beautiful and cardiac arrest excites me.


I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.


MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.

MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.


Me: Look to my left.

Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?

Me: I don’t like to share.


[Bags packed, leaving the ex]
Ex:”I hope you have a slow and painful death!”
Me:”So now you want me to stay?”


If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.