Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
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Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later