Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
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Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
an airline just for babies.
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
🤣🤣💀
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight