Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.

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Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“


Eventually, some poor astronaut is going to crash into all that Star Wars writing


wicked witch: NOOOOOOOOO!
tin man: worst spring break ever.


Living with toddlers is like being stuck in an episode of Scooby-Doo, with all the running between rooms and slamming of doors.


10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?

Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]


CNN reports Hurricane Patricia “hit luxury resorts and impoverished villages with equal ferocity.” Did they expect wealth-based discernment?


Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.


Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.


*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?