@BobTheSuit

Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.

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@ddsmidt

Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“

@WigCannon

Eventually, some poor astronaut is going to crash into all that Star Wars writing

@TimmyPumpkin

dorothy: WET TSHIRT CONTEST!
wicked witch: NOOOOOOOOO!
tin man: worst spring break ever.

@HomeWithPeanut

Living with toddlers is like being stuck in an episode of Scooby-Doo, with all the running between rooms and slamming of doors.

@KateWhineHall

10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?

Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]

@Tierno158

CNN reports Hurricane Patricia “hit luxury resorts and impoverished villages with equal ferocity.” Did they expect wealth-based discernment?

@SadPeruna

Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.

@GianDoh

Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.

@ohpegah

*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?