Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
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“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
Fiction has to make sense.
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.