REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
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i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.