WIFE: the kitchen is burning to the ground! we have to call the fire marshall!
ME [to the fire]: MARSHALL! STOP BURNING MY KITCHEN
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
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The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
ME: I’d like to be your quarterback
MANAGER: This is a Dominos
ME: The sign said “Hiring All Positions”
MANAGER: [pauses for a moment, then takes out a Jersey from his desk] Touché
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat