*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
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And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then