*rearranges underwear drawer*

Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room

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Occasionally I like to stroll into a bank, pull a gun, shout “Everybody be cool!” and then hand out sunglasses and leather jackets.


Bro Transformers are real! Haven’t you seen a big truck or a camaro? They are real. They just hide real good like chewbacca. And batman.


I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.


“Age is just a number “

Yeah and prison is just a room


I don’t know if anyone’s seen the renegade master, but apparently he’s back once again with the ill behaviour, which frankly, in this current climate, I find thoughtless at best.


[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone


My favorite pickup line is when a guy just slides an order of mozzarella sticks towards me.


My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.


Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET