@misfarber

*rearranges underwear drawer*

Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room

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@bridger_w

Occasionally I like to stroll into a bank, pull a gun, shout “Everybody be cool!” and then hand out sunglasses and leather jackets.

@Blondiethegood

Bro Transformers are real! Haven’t you seen a big truck or a camaro? They are real. They just hide real good like chewbacca. And batman.

@TheDairylandDon

I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.

@OzKamal

“Age is just a number “

Yeah and prison is just a room

@james_blue_cat

I don’t know if anyone’s seen the renegade master, but apparently he’s back once again with the ill behaviour, which frankly, in this current climate, I find thoughtless at best.

@internetluke

[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone

@P0tterhead_394

My favorite pickup line is when a guy just slides an order of mozzarella sticks towards me.

@FunnyIsFamily

My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.

@LoveNLunchmeat

Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET