@misfarber

*rearranges underwear drawer*

Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room

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@captainkalvis

WIFE: the kitchen is burning to the ground! we have to call the fire marshall!

ME [to the fire]: MARSHALL! STOP BURNING MY KITCHEN

@VodkaShorebird

The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.

@daemonic3

The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.

@PaperWash

[ouija board]

me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now

ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E

me: ….please stop

@arobertwebb

Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.

@noog

*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.

@schlimp

*steals machine parts all year*

*gets coal for xmas*

“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”

*turns coal into diamond*

@Home_Halfway

ME: I’d like to be your quarterback

MANAGER: This is a Dominos

ME: The sign said “Hiring All Positions”

MANAGER: [pauses for a moment, then takes out a Jersey from his desk] Touché

@TweetPotato314

Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.

Me: OMG, what!?

Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.

Me: Phew.

Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!

@Book_Krazy

Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat