The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
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I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
bias laundering edition
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
i would wish you the best but i am the best
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
[the middle of showering] I need a break
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
I’m putting together a team
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last