@_Ms_Moneypenny_

Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.

You Might Also Like

@OllyiConic

doctor: your wife is not responding

husband: is she mad at you

@Marlebean

“I should probably start filling this thing out.”

-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.

@SamuelMoen

Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth

@AristotlesNZ

Need hospital etiquette advice. How long should you wait after they pull the plug to ask if you can use the socket to charge your phone?

@Mom_Overboard

Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.

Write his name in the cheese.

Leave it on his porch.

His wife is home.

Write hers too.

@Skoog

McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?

Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?

McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again

@xLiserx

BF: Come over. Let’s do sex.
Me: I’m tired.
BF: I have tacos.
Me: It’s late.
Brendan Fraser: I won’t make you watch my movies.
Me: On my way

@Dear_Booze

ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”