@_Ms_Moneypenny_

Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.

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@_salt_n_lime

Me: *uses fake avi*
Them: You must be fat and ugly.

Me: *uses real avi*
Them: That’s a filter. You must be fat and ugly.

Me: Fine. I’m fat and ugly.
Them: Omg stop! You are not.

@ArfMeasures

Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*

Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch

@karanbirtinna

Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?

Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.

@nbadag

NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese

@Donna_McCoy

GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.

@murrman5

[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”

@ddsmidt

When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.

@briangaar

#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly A raccoon and a tree commit multiple felonies

@sarita6032

I hit 2k followers. Now that I’ve gathered you all here, I’d like to discuss the benefits of Amway