Me: *uses fake avi*
Them: You must be fat and ugly.
Me: *uses real avi*
Them: That’s a filter. You must be fat and ugly.
Me: Fine. I’m fat and ugly.
Them: Omg stop! You are not.
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
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Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
This is always good for a laugh.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly A raccoon and a tree commit multiple felonies
I hit 2k followers. Now that I’ve gathered you all here, I’d like to discuss the benefits of Amway