Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:

3) They need their rest.

2) Routine is important.

1) “Game of Thrones” is on.

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[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.


Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..


Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.


My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.

I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.

She threw it at her sister’s head.


The secret to looking younger is telling people that you are older




age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”


Me: I have a question about this time travel machine I bought from you guys

Him: Sir, we don’t sell time travel machines

me: not yet