@XplodingUnicorn

Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:

3) They need their rest.

2) Routine is important.

1) “Game of Thrones” is on.

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@sofarrsogud

[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.

@faizziy

Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..

@_sweet_ham

Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.

@XplodingUnicorn

My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.

I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.

She threw it at her sister’s head.

@Cryptic1iam

The secret to looking younger is telling people that you are older

@

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@seethenare

age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”

@yab_kat

Me: I have a question about this time travel machine I bought from you guys

Him: Sir, we don’t sell time travel machines

me: not yet