“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
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*avoids eye contact until 10 ft from friend
*keeps avoiding eye contact
*walks by friend
*hears friend calling name
*breaks into a run
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
May I talk to you about Jesus Christ?
– how I get out of any situation
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
A study shows that 50% of adults would fail an 8th grade math exam
The other 40% of us would rock that shit