Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
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When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you