@ashmensch
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
@ClichedOut
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
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@ashmensch
@theshantilly
*avoids eye contact until 10 ft from friend
*keeps avoiding eye contact
*walks by friend
*hears friend calling name
*breaks into a run
@JohnLyonTweets
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
@TheTweetOfGod
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
@rachelle_mandik
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
@vajennilogue2
May I talk to you about Jesus Christ?
– how I get out of any situation
@TheBoydP
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
@WheelTod
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
@KalvinMacleod
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
@RodneyH42
A study shows that 50% of adults would fail an 8th grade math exam
The other 40% of us would rock that shit