Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
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So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.