a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
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Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.