Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
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[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets