Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
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[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
📂 ACME
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