Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
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[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
My safe word is Worcestershire
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.