Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
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me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
uncle dave has been through hell
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
I feel attacked.
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
no!! no!!!!!!
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.