Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
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me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
Cheers Twitter.
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water