If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
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People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?