Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
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*jazz hands*
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
December birthdays be like…
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.