I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
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Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
Weirdos gonna weird.
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
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Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.