Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
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ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.