“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”
– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
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In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
If you have your underwear on over top of your pants, I’ll let you in line in front of me at the pharmacy.
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
If someone steals your identity, you should have every right to kill them. What are they gonna do, arrest you for suicide?
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
I just hope people who say “Jesus is my co-pilot” realize he’s a 1st century carpenter with no time in a flight simulator.