@johnbiehl

Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they

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@WritePlay

“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”

– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school

@werehedgehog

In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.

@MakesYouGiggle

Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…

It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.

@kelownagoose

If you have your underwear on over top of your pants, I’ll let you in line in front of me at the pharmacy.

@anerdonfire2

The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.

@iamjohnsarris

My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.

@DaddyJew

If someone steals your identity, you should have every right to kill them. What are they gonna do, arrest you for suicide?

@sip_at_home_mom

I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.

@rolldiggity

I just hope people who say “Jesus is my co-pilot” realize he’s a 1st century carpenter with no time in a flight simulator.