Reasons to not go camping No.154:

People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…

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Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”

Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”


I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.


I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.


Oh my God! Honey, the baby just said “Dada!” Wait, why is he using air quotes?


A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”


Wow my pants are really loose today

*skips to the nearest vending machine*


8yo: mommy how old are you?

Me: 46

8yo: *blink blink* so you seen a real dinosaur?