Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
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Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.