Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
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ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.