*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
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I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
Self-cleaning conscience
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
Is this the real life?
Is this just
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.