Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
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TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
The glory of fall.
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip