*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
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Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
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Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me