@PetrickSara

*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*

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@KingRainhead

I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away

@Pork_Chop_Hair

If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.

@KentWGraham

Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.

@LizHackett

I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”

@Parkerlawyer

My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”

@Skoog

[fancy restaurant]

me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?

moth date: [shrugs]

@SherBoBer

Lion King is my favourite movie about an innocent baby animal. Being framed for murder.

@50FirstTates

witch: what do u need?

me: a spell to make my dad proud

dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable