I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
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Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
Most women want a man who can make them laugh and also feel safe. So basically, a clown ninja. Good to know
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
If I don’t make some serious changes to my life, they’ll never let me into the gates of heaven.
So who can teach me how to pick a lock?
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it