*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*

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I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away


If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.


Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.


I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”


My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”


[fancy restaurant]

me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?

moth date: [shrugs]


Lion King is my favourite movie about an innocent baby animal. Being framed for murder.


witch: what do u need?

me: a spell to make my dad proud

dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable