*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
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If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
Lots of bills lately. I might have to sell a kidney. Haven’t decided whose yet.
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
Drive like no one is watching.
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston