Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
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Plant care tips
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
Hot Panini is in big trouble
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
I camp so other people don’t have to.
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER