“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
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who named him groot and not spruce lee
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
*skinny dips into black hole
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
reviewed some movies recently
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.