[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
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My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
🖤✌🏽
🤣😂